A palm tree in the eye of the storm

I haven't said "I love you" to my father that many times in months. And many that he didn't hang up every call reminding me too. We may never have said it to each other that many times in a row.

But it was also a long time ago, not to say "never", that I was not faced with such a situation. Today is Saturday and I only know that because it's on the calendar. There's nothing to remind me of the day of the week which is: I don't have to go to class, I don't have any meetings, I don't have any friends to meet today to tell us how the week went.

Everybody's gone. A lot of it's over. And although I feel like I'm in a dream where I'm a bent palm tree in the middle of a hurricane, I know I won't end up splitting in two and leaving a broken log. I've always been a whole piece, but it seems like lately there's no "always" or "never".

Today I was very stupid and very smart at the same time. Someone flipped a coin and it fell on its side, leaving me exposed and with little capacity for action. I have been robbed, and I know it, and there is little I can do about it. But it's not just the money, it's every thought that triggers the coronavirus situation that hurts me. It hurts me for my future, for the future of the people who live on the street and I know they can die. It hurts me for my family, for my friends. For Javi. For me.

We have declared what happened, I have proof of everything, I am right. But still not fine, why? Because the world doesn't work like that; the world is a place where the devil wins more times than good. And where there is selfishness for a packet of rice. There are the diseases that wipe out everything and leave a real void, not like the one you feel alone when a trip you had planned is cancelled; it's more like not being able to see who you love again.

And I want my world to be one in which my father writes "what do you do, wolf? Go study" instead of one where he says "Don't get crazy about money. Don't go to places where you're at risk for coronavirus. Sometimes $4700 is nothing; there are other things worth much more. You're too young to learn that, but take my advice."

You're always right daddy. Well, not always, but I love you with all my heart.

I've been blank for a while. I don't know what else I can say because I just feel like crying. Is that why I end up with "I love you"? Because they're three words that say everything when there's nothing else to add. Like those movie endings that are perfect pins and that I like so much.

When I cry, I don't get the words. I remember how I used to think it was because the body and the mind are so smart that they go at the same pace. When the head needs to clean itself up, the body helps it by putting a limit on the words. Your untied jaw is begging you to focus on getting what's inside you. Tears sting in your eyes so that you close them and look at what your insides want to show you. Your hands are cold and hard to move so you won't even let your verbal communication speak for you.

I am also aware that the globe tattooed on my back reminds me how seconds and minutes are just man's invention for counting time. Time will pass at the same speed regardless of how I am. Because the Earth will keep on turning; never mind if I am in or out.

And I also remember how Mary told me "grow up in the face of adversity, because it will be many rocks on your way". I am brave or at least I have lied to myself enough years to believe it at this point and not give up. I have stayed here, assuming the consequences, and now that Conse and Quences have arrived, I am going to face them in the best way I know how.